Segment Finding Beauty in your scars with Host HelenZanele - Forgiveness through Rejection with Penny Ngubeni

Send us a textLast Episode apologies we faced some technical difficulties Join Host Helen Zanele & Penny Ngubeni as they explore Forgiveness through Rejection. As they bid 2023 Farewell may we all find forgiveness. Subscribe on show link for more content. Support the showSubscribe and Follow us on all social media platforms.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Evening money as well and you're hoping it isn't easy to disappoint. It won't.

SPEAKER_04 0:24

No, we are we are pushing now. Hello everyone. Welcome to our beautiful podcast, finding beauty in a sky and the unspoken truth family. This is your beautiful host, Helen Zanele Chico. Remember, this is a safe space where we'll be sharing about our past, our traumas, our present, and our childhood in our traumas without judging each other. Guys, it's been long. I know life has been life thing, things have been thing, but hey, you know, always when I come back, I come back with powerhouse. So today, happy first date before I can continue. Happy first date. I hope you all guys are enjoying yourself. I hope you're keeping it safe. If lunch a lot, it's cold. I hope you're keeping it warm. South Africa, we are dealing with this whatsoever weather. But hey, as I was saying, I'm interviewing my most gorgeous brother, the most loudest, the most bubbly, god-fearing, realist. Like, guys, I can take the whole year to introduce this woman. So I'm gonna introduce herself. She's going to introduce herself, and all that. Hi, mommy.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

Hi, hi, hi, darling. How are you? I'm good and how are you? I'm blessed. I'm blessed.

SPEAKER_04 1:56

Thank you for acknowledging my request. My heart gets excited.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Thank you so much also for you know inviting me. I feel so honored. Thank God for for the opportunity.

SPEAKER_04 2:11

Please introduce yourself. Tell us who are you?

SPEAKER_02 2:16

My name is Ntomben and Truly Beautiful Inside and Out. Uh Penido Pungubeni. But I go by the name of Penning Goops on most of the social uh media platforms. The voice of many who cannot speak for themselves. Uh, the reason being um I normally tell my story and I make sure that when I tell it, I tell it as it is. Because I know that uh a lot of people out there are afraid to talk about themselves, but I won't say much about that. I love beauty. Oh, yes, I love good things, I love good life, I love uh makeup, I love nails, I'm a self-taught nail uh artist, I'm a self-taught makeup artist, and soon to be certified because I'm bringing it out there to God and I know He's going to make a way. I'm a mother to two most amazing, beautiful toolkids, a boy and a girl. Uh, I call them my do and do. Um, I don't like saying I'm a single mother because I know that I'm not doing it single-handedly, I'm doing it with God, and uh also include the fathers in the picture, even though one is late, but he was in the picture. Um, I'm a child of God, I'm born again, I'm safe, but that does not limit me to anything. I respect people's beliefs, I respect people's religions, and yeah, I tell my story as it is, and I want it to reach many out there. Many people are broken, and we need to take those broken pieces and mend them back.

unknown 3:57

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Um, he loved us unconditionally, we came as we are, and he accepted us, and he made sure that we recover and we also heal completely. So that's me in a nutshell. And I also love writing, I love journaling, it helps me heal, joting down my emotions.

SPEAKER_04 4:19

And you have stopped writing. Why?

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Yeah, I just need to continue writing. I was doing my 2024 vision bot uh this afternoon, and I I even jotted that down. The word of God in the book of Habakkuk 2 verse 23 says, write down the vision, wait for an appointed time, even though it tarries. So I'm believing God in 2024, one of my transcripts shall reach someone out there, and I will definitely publish.

SPEAKER_03 4:49

So yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

And then in my profession, I am into projects, project coordination, project administration. Um, I'm passionate about the young. Um, I always try to be as transparent as possible, even with my young ones. Yeah, um, even at church, they know I always try and bring forth transparency in terms of anything that is anything. I want them to fall into the traps that we as adults are falling on. So I'm on outreach and community work, and I'm believing God in 2024 that uh everything shall transpire because he says he has plans for us not to harm us but to prosper us. So that's me in a nutshell. I hope I didn't go over and over. Can you hear me?

SPEAKER_04 5:39

Yes, I can hear you. That was not a nutshell, that was an entire book, entire introduction. I like it.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

Um and I and I believe I'm also into entertainment. I MC, I do public speaking, I'm a good actress, I'm a good dancer, and I think that that comes um comes from my the kind of personality that I yeah, very puppy person.

SPEAKER_04 6:05

Uh people enjoy being around me, and um more than anything, dynamite comes in small pie cages, guys. She's so short, so I think that's why she's doing all that because she's very short, she's a dynamite. Yes, can you hear me, ma? Yes, I can hear you. Thank you. As we are continuing, thank you for introducing yourself. I think it was three years back. You were doing a project for young kids at your street, and that's where I felt in love with you. Take me back to that three years, like what made you to utile project layo? Like, is it because of your upbringing or is it because of the things that you went through while you were a teenager and also in your in your adulthood, like what pushed you to start that project?

SPEAKER_02 7:24

So I started that project because it was laid in my heart. Uh, the project name was Take a Girl Child on a Lunch Date, if I'm not mistaken. Um, and um when I started it, I started it as something that I've said before. I'm very passionate about the young. Yes. I'm very passionate about the young. And I then later on, God also revealed to me that I shouldn't limit it to only girls. So it's took a girl and a boy child out on a lunch date or uh breakfast. So when I started, it was something that I did where I collected sanitary towels. At one point, when I was driving, uh coming back from dropping off the kids to school, um, I was catching a young man not having school shoes, and he was wearing uh damaged school shoes, and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go out there. You know, social media is one powerful way of reaching out and finding help. So I then went on Facebook and I tried getting people to assist me because Mina had already collected Amazonitary uh pads, and then I also asked for people to help me out in terms of getting shoes, a pair of shoes. And I remember one good Samaritan, I forgot her name. She has a business where she does uh kids, kiddies' uh clothes and uh personalized stuff. I'll I'll try and remember. And then there was another one who came to go, you know what, I'll assist. So that's how I started. And I remember when I had a chat with these kids when we went out. We initially went out to Brima for our first time in um in Davidon, and I had collected funds, people had donated, and God bless them for that. And whatever I had as well uh from my income, I put that together, and I think I was able to take 14 uh kids. Um, and also my sister in the Lord, Usister Nonzigalelo also accompanied me. And then, you know, from the chat that we had with those kids, I picked up that a lot of them are going through a lot, and then I went back to social media and I asked, is there any social worker that can assist me? Can the government help? That and there, and then you came up. I remember very vividly, one of our sisters who's the person again, surprise my mother, yes, my lady, my my lady Lang, that's what I called her. Uh and she was like, No, I have someone that I know, and boom, that's how we met. Then we met in in my mother's house. Uh, we had a gathering and we had a chat, and you had outspoken, and you, you know, you you just took us far uh with the kids.

SPEAKER_04 10:19

So that's and I remember on our first meetup, oh man, I I wish that we continued with that project because like I could see M. Noab with those kids who could see they really needed that love, you know. They really needed that um that attention that you were giving them, and also me stepping in it. They felt like oh, at least there are people in our township who are paying attention to us. I remember if I'm not mistaken, there was someone who lost his or her mother, if I'm not mistaken.

SPEAKER_02 10:54

I don't know if you still a young girl, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:57

She lost her mother, yeah. I remember, and that story really touched me, Uguti. I wish in our communities we can have more pain groups, like we do have, but they are not genuine.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

Yes, no, they are not genuine. It's not about not being genuine, I guess. Yeah, some are not, but I believe let's not touch on the negative side of as well. Sometimes you find that people don't have enough support, so and then they end up then, and I know that some people do things because they want to get something in return. I always try and voice this out, you know. Even today I was reminded of the word of God in Colossians 3, verse 23. It says, Do everything unto the Lord and not man, you know, reaching out to these kids, having an NPO, an NGO. Um, don't do not look at it in a way where you're trying to benefit, you know. Just make sure that you are opening that because you are trying to bring something to these kids. You are trying to bring some sort of closure, some sort of healing. Because they always say if you can't heal the child in you, then you suffer as an adult. You suffer as an adult. So they did not only benefit me as an individual, but let it be more about serving and and going out there with these youngsters.

SPEAKER_04 12:23

Amen. Oh wow, that was so profound. That was so pro please continue with it, mommy. That was that I think God has placed you in a position where you need to serve in your community, you know. You need to serve in in very different form, like you're you're serving, it comes in categories, and I think you're shying away from that. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

I think I've touched on uh the scars of childhood, you know. Yes, yes, I've yes. Yes, what scar did you have as a child? I I I experienced a lot of rejection as a as a young person. I always needed to push myself into people's lives. That's how I would look at it. You know, everywhere where I went, I somehow was this black sheep, you know. And that's where I then understood myself and developed my Bible character from a young age to try and protect myself. I also used my grades from school to protect myself. As a youngster, I didn't have specific to say, okay, these are the people that I chill with, um, the same ones every day. I would be arounder, you know, an old rounder. I'll sit with you, sit with him, sit with you, you know, like that. Just to fit in. So, yes, just to fit in. Um, and then another thing is because of that, I then had my fears in terms of trying to build something. I'll have a foundation, it would be shaky, and I'll give up on it. You know, I would touch on something and it will not be a firm foundation, it will not be steady because I then it stems out from these things that I have experienced and and in my young hood, you know. So, yeah, that's another thing. And also fear, you know, fear of the unknown. Um, and also in my childhood, somehow um I was nearly sexually abused, you know. So maybe that also contributed. Uh, one thing that one day the Holy Spirit said to me was, you know, even you know, as a young person, if you get abused or you were nearly abused, yeah. Abuse sexually comes with a whole lot of soul ties, a whole lot of curses. And that man's curse, or those men curse, because I know some people experience this multiple times, they then come into your life and then they clock your way of thinking, your way of reasoning, your way of you know, articulating, uh, you know, so that tool might have, you know, um made me to then doubt myself. Yeah, uh, you know, somehow somehow you'll come out to the world with your makeup looking all beautiful. But the inside, the inner person. Uh, when I say inner person, I'm not referring to the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit is perfected. But that penny, that young penny that was hurt in a way, does not have that enhancement, like the external penny. Yeah, but until you start dealing with it, then you are able to then journey and be able to then fulfill some of these um um um mandates that God has has brought upon your life. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:53

You mentioned Ogotti in in your growing up, you you dealt a lot with rejection, like as like the rejection started when you were a teenager or like when you were a baby, like how when did it stop? Like you were rejected because I remember we were attending the event here, woman be you, and we empty lab, like constantly, even before that event, like constantly you will talk, we would see about the shape of your body, you know. And I remember in that in that meeting that we had with those kids, you will say, like, you were bullied for your body, we would see um in your face, but your body it's it's somehow the rejection came out from that, or it came out from other things, or it came out that your Babylist side it just made people to feel um let's see, like I'm to feel as if you are overpowering them. Like, how did that reaction come about?

SPEAKER_02 16:55

So it's it is very key. Uh, may my parents so rest in peace. I'm the third child and I'm the last child. We should really be careful um what we say, you know, as parents, be it hearing the news that your spouse is carrying a child, or me receiving the news as a mother to say, I am I have conceived now, I'm pregnant, I'm carrying a child. So when my dad heard that I was my mom was pregnant, somehow Shem was like, Come on, we already have a boy child and a girl child, so we are born. So the enemy comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy. For him, that those words for my father, even though they were not in a bad manner or form, they formed some sort of rejection. You do get what I'm saying? So, as a seed, I was already rejected. You get what I'm saying? And I believe my mom somehow even felt the sorrow because when my mom had when she was about to give birth to me, she had to stay in hospital for three months, meaning at six months she had to leave her job and never went to her job again. Felt this, oh my god, you know, in the olden days, maternity leave wasn't you know that structured, and it wasn't that, you know, yes. So I believe that it it did not only surface in my growing, in my teenage years, in my young years, then when I was teen. You get what I'm saying? And when I was told by my parents as well, my mom struggled a lot, she had high blood pressure, so meaning the enemy didn't even want me from the start, and when he had this opportunity of how the words were spoken, he used that against me as well. So I then grew up, I was a very skinny child, I was very bullied at school, even from the eighth grade one. You know, I mean the the grades because then back then we used to call it USAP A. Am I correct? I was a good child who was very bullied. I couldn't understand uh a whole lot of things, but at the same time, I was this bubbly child. You know, they said I used to love dancing, you know, ni pa junglum dano papai, you understand this bubbly active child, and then as we grew, I always has have been teased about my uh body because when I reached puberty, I then my body structure changed when I developed certain parts of my body. Now all my frog, my apple, as they call it a frog figure. I don't even mind even they say it to me, it does it does no denting whatsoever. Um, the apple tape started developing my small sweet be. You know, I call it I've got my trademark now, then I closed. And you know, I was formed my big tummy, my you know, and some even went for an instant to even call me big head. And I'm glad I went through that because I try and also help my kids with that uh now in this time and age. So yeah, I would say rejection in your in my teen years from people's words, from me being before I was born, and and and and that's where this whole rejection uh went on. Even in my adult life, and in most places, uh people will feel intimidated. I don't know what intimidates them when they see me. You know, I even go to a point where now I understand, you know, this whole intimidation why people are intimidated. I don't even still not know why they are, but I just understand when they see me, there's something that they see that is greater. And someone would even say, you know, my blood and your blood does not mix, you know. And you would even ask yourself, but this person is even more beautiful than me. This person is well-bodied more than me. What is it that they do not like in me and to a form where they would still reject me? Oh, yeah, so yeah, yeah. So yeah, the body shaming as well. I found a way to heal myself and not take it to head and not take it to heart.

SPEAKER_04 21:18

So, in in in all of that, in your in your past relationships, were you also rejected?

SPEAKER_02 21:26

You know, in my past relationships, um I would say rejection was there because you know, in most cases, you when a person is becomes unfaithful, you will then think they are being unfaithful because they're not fully satisfied with the type of person that you are, not understanding that the whole unfaithfulness, it's not about you, but it's about the person being themselves and not being able to commit. Well, I understand. Some of the parts I would then hate myself say, oh, maybe it's my body type. Or maybe this, or maybe that, maybe I'm not beautiful, I'm not thin enough. You get what I'm saying? So even in relationships, somehow I felt, and remember, before you can be delivered from something, you carry it with all your life. Yeah, that's when you grow your eggs, it also grows. You grow, it also grows to a point where now you even get anxiety, you get depression, and and and and because of all these things, the root cause needs to be dealt with, and not just physically but spiritually as well. Oh yes, yes, so yeah, I was as I was saying, say, until you heal the root cause and the stems and the roots of this rejection things spiritually and physically, then you start seeing things in a different way, and you you you are now matured. You understand it's okay. Sometimes you know it's not all about me, but it's what they see in you that makes them push you away, you know. So, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:59

So, how did you do with the rejection part?

SPEAKER_02 24:04

It hurts, it hurts not being wanted. It is, it hurts when you are someone who is also trying to heal the inner child. Remember, the inner child wants to be accepted. That's true, and I think uh it is very key to also understand that the inner child needs to be accepted by you as an individual. You then tend to reject yourself as well, not loving yourself, not not being pleased with who you are, not understanding that you are perfected and you are a vessel that God has uh has seen if I'm able to be here on earth. So I think then it starts with me being able to accept myself, yeah, me loving myself fully from head to toe, me being able to understand the different emotions as well that I've been through. Me being able to understand God, it's not about people but myself. Because if I turn myself for myself away from myself, it's an issue. If I can't accept myself, remember Bachi, you are what you give, and you are what you receive. So if I can't receive the acceptance from me first, then how will someone else be able to accept me? So that's how I dealt with it. I realized you know what, there's nothing wrong with you. You are perfected, you are beautiful. Because at one point you even believe Gucci, there's some parts of you that are not fully functional. You believe Gooch, yo, hi man, I'm not good enough, I'm not woman enough, I'm not this, I'm not that. Until you understand that baby steps, you start baby steps, you go back to your childhood, you pinpoint and see what okay, this, this, until you reach the stage that you are in now. And let me tell you, Daisy, it's a process, it is a long process, it is, and you need to trust the process and you need to believe in the process to be able to heal. And sometimes you'll have flashbacks, sometimes you will relapse. You get what I'm saying? You'll even get to a point and believe, okay, I didn't do this. And sometimes you also try and, like, for example, let's say me into a project three years ago, and I haven't done nothing in the two years, and then I start pushing myself away now. You're not good enough. Why couldn't you go on anymore? Why have you stopped? Why then you start rejecting food to yourself? So then you need to then pick yourself up again through prayer, through journaling, through writing, through meditation and saying things positively to yourself. So it's just a journey, and you don't you need to trust the journey and and and understand what it's not something that's just going to go away instantly.

SPEAKER_04 27:06

And you need to tell yourself, it's not your fault, it's got nothing to do with you. Like you didn't sign up for for it. I want my life to be like this. I want to be rejected. I want, I want not to be loved, you know. I wish people they can, especially people uh who are still in the journey of healing. Uh, we still um we still beat ourselves up. We still think, oh, what's it? This is happening because I deserve it. No, no one deserves pain.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Come on, yes, yes, that's true.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

No one we are refined, we are refined, but we do not deserve pain.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

We go through to break through.

SPEAKER_04 27:54

Exactly. Like you don't deserve to be alone, you don't deserve to be lonely, like you don't you don't deserve to feel the way you are feeling. Yes, it happened, but can you try and acknowledge it and forgive yourself? I think it was last week or this week you wrote about forgiveness, and I was like, I wish we can tap more into that topic of forgiveness because we intend not to forgive, we intend to forgive other people, but not to forgive ourselves. I don't know if I make sense.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

That's true. We we we you we have so many regrets, yeah. Yeah, we have so many regrets to a point that's why I need to say I'm passionate about the young. I used to beat myself up to why did I start dating at a very young age? Because it disturbed me tremendously. Yeah, I always beat myself up and say, Oh my god, if it wasn't for me then, I would have been something because it really affected me in my metric here to a point where I dropped my my grades. I was supposed to write for an exemption, and I was like, No, this is too much for me, I can't handle it. You you get what I'm saying? So beds with one stuff would never work. You focus on one thing and one thing at a time. And I I I then also say to myself, you you you you you you look at such things and start beating yourself up, put your marijuana regrets, regrets, regrets. So it's it's not from a whole lot of things, and then you need to sit down and say, Yes, you didn't take um I'm a creditor high. Yes, you did what you did then, but do not beat yourself up, forgive yourself. You wanted to be that programmer, you wanted to be that uh charted accountant. It did not happen because of the actions and the decisions you took then, but that does not hold you back as a person. We are one, move forward, forgive thyself and start all over. You know, as human beings, we become too hard on ourselves because we are free to start all over. We do, yeah. We're looking at the time frame, the clock is ticking, yet God says a day is like a thousand years or a thousand likes is like a day. Yeah, I hope I'm saying, yeah, but we are hasty. A person who's 42 who hasn't uh conceived as yet is already counting the clock uh psychologically, not psychologically, is it scientifically? Yes, scientifically. Uh I'm supposed to have had 15 kids by now or five kids by now. We are always looking at the clock, and we just need to take one thing at a time, be mindful of today and its presence, the gifts that comes with today, taking one, you know, and I had to also write the good and the bad, and then you see where I went wrong, and then and let me tell you what, by me doing it first, it then opened a door for me to be able to believe and forgive others, you know. They say love them all but trust no one, yes, but forgiveness comes with trust when you are mended into loving others again, restoration, it then helps you to be able to trust them as well and move forward, and you cannot do it right by your own intellectual uh intellect, by your own cardal mind. Only God can help you, God can help you forgive.

SPEAKER_04 31:55

I wish I wish um whoever who's going to listen to this can take this overtime forgive yourself, and you forgiving yourself, it's much easier for for whatever that you are longing for, for whatever that you are wishing for to fall into place, you know. It doesn't matter how long it takes, but for the fake uguality, it'll come at the time where your conscience and your heart it's at the right place, you know. It'll come to a point where your your your healing isn't that difficult to happen, but your healing, it will happen quickly because you you are in that moment and a place where you're just like, okay, this happened. Um, it got nothing to do with me. I need to move on, and I need to be in a clear mind, I need to be in a clear space for me to be able to move forward. I love that. I love what you just said. It just makes you whole, it just makes you to feel like a brand new person, it puts you in a state where you're not even afraid of anything, like you just like, oh okay, this happens. Let's see how we're going to challenge it. Then you move on from it.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

Yeah, I love that. Then tell me so cool. And sorry, before we I think it's important. I finished my heart with I need to say this healing goes hand in hand with uh forgiving. Oh, for you to heal the emotional scars, the physical scars, you need to then go back to forgiving. At one point, the Holy Spirit pressed me. I had to forgive that man that tried to rape me. Yeah, and a person will ask you, How do you heal? Imagine if you took your virginity away, would you have still forgiven that person? I know there's a mother out there who's that person even now.

SPEAKER_04 34:00

Pardon, you'll be still dealing, like you'll be still having imagine you are having flashback. Who goes? He nearly imagine if you're dead, then you have to forgive him.

SPEAKER_02 34:11

You yo, it takes a lot. That is why you cannot do it alone. You need God, God needs to be present for you to be able to heal. God needs to be present for you to be able to, you know, there's something I know that I'm I hope I'm not diverting, but no, no, no, you're not. There's something that these men, and I believe, and I also I always used to say, God, um anything that is wrong. It's not the person. There's a spirit that that pushes this person to destroy, to kill this person, this child, be it a boy child or girl child, because in most cases we believe sexual abuse only is faced by the girl child, the boy child as well. And it's worse for the boy child because they cannot tell the story. Yeah, they cannot tell the story. So it took me to be able to believe in what God is doing in me because unforgiveness was closing so many things in my life. Unforgiveness is a sin. Unforgiveness makes you delay so many things that should have had transpired a long time ago. I fully know that our lives is our already written story, you know. So, me being able to move to my next chapter that God has already written, I hold myself back because of this unforgiveness and and and and so I got to a point, I cried, I wept before God. It used to hurt so much. Yeah, I used to even say the words, I hate him. I hate him because what he did really destroyed me. Imagine a person who has been raped by Finanza, Mina, I was nearly raped, but my life was a mess. It even messed up my relationships. Because you were scared. Because I was scared. I I guess I had this fear as well. I would even say at one point, uh, tell the person that particular pike at that time does mean I was nearly ready. I had to even disclose, you know. Um, I I wasn't forced to do so, but I I felt which I needed to because of some of the flashbacks I'll have and some of the things that I, you know, I couldn't do because I uh of fear. Yeah, understand. And later on in my metric year, uh I was I was um uh my the gun was held on my head. I then developed another fear. I used to shake a lot after that moment. And forgive those uh people that did whatever they did. It wasn't any rape-related issue. There were some cases of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. We are born. So there's so many things. People have been murdered out there, people have been robbed out there, people have uh have had their possessions taken away from them, their child, children taken away from them, and then I come here with my story and as I'm saying forgive. How does one forgive? How does one heal from that?

SPEAKER_04 37:27

You know, so yeah, it's it's a topic that it's a topic that uh we are shying away from it because it hurts, it it really hurts. I was talking with my partner, uh grew up seeing my dad like beating my mother to death, like literally, you could see what you know what my mom now she's going to die. And I don't know, the school of mine, I'm like, I don't want anything to do with me because I I think now it's that it's sinking in because lately I'm having flashbacks of seeing him beating my mother, seeing him like me, Sulaika's lagam, me couple my mommy's bed, and to make it worse, like I'll accompany her to a police stage to open the case, I'll be the witness, and she will drop it. And it'll frustrate me even more. So I don't know what we were talking about, and I'm like, I don't want anything to do with my dad right now. I hate him. Like I I don't even acknowledge him as my dad. I don't, I don't even, I don't even, I no longer have that respect for him. So I wish we would see, and I'm still praying to God like every day. I'm asking, like, teach me again how to love this man, teach me again how to respect him as my dad, teach me to forgive him. Because, like in my growing up, I would never have those flashbacks, but I'm having them now, and I'm asking God, why am I having them now? You know, and you're just talking about forgiveness. I I feel like Ugutsi, it's time for me to forgive fully and just forget, not forget as per se, but forgive and try to move on from the hurt, because you just mentioned Uguzi, it's not gonna be easy to forgive. How am I supposed to forgive a person? How am I supposed to forgive myself for allowing the this hurt to hurt me this much? So it's it's it's a broad topic, it's it's a deep topic because growing up in an abuse of your father abusing your mother, you become overprotective of yourself.

SPEAKER_02 39:57

That's true, hey, that's very true, and I think what's key is God God is trying to show you good to the little girl in you is impacting the young adult that you are now, and if you do not deal with it, it's also let's say now God blesses you in in in in in in in in the gift of marriage. You will even add those eyes, emian believing your father is the same, your father then, even may God help us to understand what he is no longer that person we're speaking life now. We are understanding he will then the the the the enemy will against you to see that father then that used to be so abusive is going is the same person as this man that you are with now, even in the past. Yes, so that's how we then start breaking curses when we heal, we get an opportunity to learn, and from our learnings, we then put one and two together, take these puzzles, and then that's how we fight generational curses. You find in one house the mother mother was beaten up, the daughter is beaten up, the daughter's daughter is beaten up, but it needs to end with us. I always say this when I pray my daughter will not be sexually abused, my son will not be sexually abused, my family members that have not been touched will not be touched because I was touched. If this is generational, let us let us break it now. We have worn this, we have overcome this, and we sell it by the blood of Jesus. So you need also to stand, go down, write, write all the good you love about your father. I know it's gonna be hard for you, but go there out there, write the good, write the good, write the good, write the bed as well. Say you are burying the burying the bed, but focusing on the good as the best memories of your life with your father, so that you'll be able to then look at this man and see your father and not see the monster that used to do all those things to your mother, and it's a journey, yeah. It is God will bring it.

SPEAKER_04 42:21

It is a journey, a very, a very broad and a very frustrating one. A journey of healing is not easy, yeah. It was so much roller cost that it has so much like uh I'm a potholes, you know. It it has so much uh anger, like I believe Uh, we don't heal, we're just creating new patterns of living, you know. We we are we don't heal because there are moments where like you will talk about a story, say four years back, and after two years, you're still going to cry about that story, you know, because there's a way that pain reminds us, Uguoti. Don't be too comfortable, you know. You need you need to talk about it so that the next person can be able to have strength like you, you know. You need to you need to acknowledge yourself in a way with even the next person, mom fella, about your story. As a born would say, Ya Pilega. No, it's not difficult for you to live this life. You will still you will still fall in love with someone. You will still I I remember talking about rejection. I remember I was rejected many times into relationships because of my status. I was I was I was cyber bullied because of it. I was I was, yo, I it it was a lot for me to deal with. And I remember when I was starting this this podcast I was sharing about my journey, trying to break down the whole meaning of finding beauty in your scars. I'm here today to find beauty in my internal scars in a very hard and emotional way. And I remember I mentioned I even felt like there will be no men who love me. There will be no men who appreciate me for who I am. Not to see the insight that I'm living with, but to see the beauty of me as a whole package. So it's it's something that we we need to remind ourselves, Suguti. We are here in this world to learn through pain, to survive through pain. We are not healing, but we are surviving through it. We are growing through it. As hard as it is, we are here to grow, and we are here to tell the next generation, hey, hello. Yeah, pillag in rejection. That was your internal skill that you had to deal with for the rest of your life, not mostly for the rest of your life, but half of your life. And here you are today, you're talking about it boldly, so nothing hurts like rejection, guys. Rejection is it's sad, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:26

And I think what's important as well is we are not what we are going through. Uh, one also key element is health-wise, I was affected and impacted by a disease that they say has no cure. It caused me to go into my lowest, go into my lowest. Yeah, and while you are talking and saying all the things that you are saying, it's very important to understand that Emma Pagateni in the beginning, everything was perfected, everything is perfect in your life, and you need to receive that by faith. That is why, even when you face trials of many kinds, it does not have to suppress you and press you down, and you find yourself in a cloud shell where you believe I'm I'm I'm worth I'm not worthy, I'm not worth it, I'm not worth of living. Because at one point, you just mentioned in key now which you were rejected, you came out there, you tried, and being as transparent as you can, and and people started pointing fingers and saying this, da da da da and that. You are understand, but you are not that, you are not that. The word of God says, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds. God tries by all means to make us understand what this stone on your flesh is not meant to kill you. This will not end in death. So we need to be constantly reminded because I I have been through so many things that are pain related in my life, be it in my emotions, be it in my spirit, be it in my uh flesh, in all round. You get you get my point to a point where at one time I was even depressed. I went to a doctor thinking I was pregnant, and then he gave me a diagnosis in 2011. Says, you are depressed, you need to go on antidepressants, and I pushed that away. I pushed that away, and I was like, yo, I never, I'm gonna go back in prayer. It's not always the case with everyone. Some people get diagnosed and they need to go through medication, they need to take medication, and that medication makes your you, you know, it calms you down. We understand. So you find yourself in a point where now these pressures of life become so much, you become suicidal. You even have plans of how you are going to take this away. I've been pregnant twice, out of wedlock, as a child of God, saved, born again, tongue speaking, and that also was some sort of a thorn and a pain in my life, and I'll always be hard on myself and say, How do I do this to God? As much as he says he has everything under control and he loves us unconditionally. I saw Ugutimina, I really messed up as a representation of God's kingdom. I then had struggles of facing postnatal depression. First time having a child, not understanding what's going on with all this. Remember, those things they they they they carry, they re like what's the word? Ukulanazo. The past in a pain, as a teenager, you have a pain. Now we are a first time mommy, we have a pain, and then now there's this life before you. You don't even know, they don't even understand the term postnatal depression at home. You can't even say what's going on with you. It happens again for the second time when I had my child. So this pain thing goes on and on. But what I want to reiterate is to say in this pain that you are going through, God is in the midst. He has never forsaken you, he will never forsake you. Your story was already written, is history, his story. So, whatever the water that you go through, God is there, you will not drown. The fires you will not be burned. God has even given an exemplary, the Bible. The Bible is one manual that will show us which oh David, oh Moses, the Israelites, oh Bani. They went through the same. The most important gives me a perseverance. Um, uh uh, what do they call it? Okay, there's another word that they use in resilience. It's Jesus Himself. Amen. It was not easy, he was rejected. Yeah, many times he was cast with stones, he was told that he's a liar, things did not go according, you know, all these things, but he held on, and here we are today. So let's not give up, baby girl. Let's not give up. And every person who's gonna listen to this, I pray that my story may try and give you some sort of comfort, amen. Some sort of comfort, and there's so many things you know. Pain is not only physically related, you have a plan for your life, you believe which at a certain age, I want to reach the stage, I want this, I want this thing, and things do not happen that way. You start building yourself up. I'm 40, I'm 50, I'm 60. The pressure, the pressure of life as well. Yeah, understand. Yeah, there's so many forms, there's so many categories of pain, there's so many categories of scans, there's so many categories of emotional pain and emotional strife. And there's one thing, um, my saying, and what I would like to write upon one day is to always try and put yourself in someone's shoes. They may be painful, they may not fit, but when you stand on someone else's shoes, you are able to stand from a point where you do not judge and understand someone else's pain. Yeah, because we have a tendency of judging, we have a tendency of putting people down by what we say, and we have a tendency of cutting and and I say my pain, and then when I you then start decide to judge me, and then you start calling me by what I'm going through. Yeah, there is a true worshiper. You get what I'm saying? I can't even come to you as a church person, I can't even come to the house of God and and be vulnerable because I'm afraid my pain will be someone else's gain for them to be able to talk about me. We have killed so many souls, and I pray to God which we may find a place and be healing to others and also me and find the healing in you. Let not my story be something that you can gossip about. Yeah, so yeah, yeah, we can continue, baby girl.

SPEAKER_04 53:30

No, I think we're done. We're gonna ruin this whole thing, we're gonna rule this whole thing because I didn't have any questions, and the Holy Spirit. I told you, Woodsi, the Holy Spirit will guide us. And the devil was fighting, he was like, No. So I think you needed to talk about forgiveness, you needed to talk about rejection, and you just you you you we ele why why why how can I explain rejection? Then wapina wanessa no forgiveness. I think this is the topic that we need to continue again. I don't know where, but definitely this is the topic that I wish we can start next year. Like when I think we need to reflect on where we were rejected, then in that rejection heart, thank God for forgiveness. Uguti, yes, I was rejected here. Can I learn to forgive where I was rejected? Yes, I was it's hard for me to forgive here, it's hard for me to move on here. What can I do? Can I say eat nani in order for me to feel whole again? And I believe Uguchi, now as you were talking about this, there's certain parts that you are healing from that you didn't even know that you needed healing. It's I think I think this podcast it's going to stay for years, even to our next generation. That we need to forgive ourselves, forgive the inner child, because if you don't forgive the inner child, we'll catch up with you in your young adult. Yeah, because now it's catching up with me right now, and I'm like hiding. I thought now I'm developing this hate for my dad out of the blue, and you just mentioned if you don't deal with your inner child, it will catch up with you in your adulthood, like you'll be forever protecting yourself, you'll be forever saying, I'm not going to allow myself to be bullet like my mom. And I want to find out um tanaban to man, he's just, and we're not already in a defensive mood, you're already like, hey, if you can't do it, I'll do it.

SPEAKER_02 56:03

And I think also you'll find that Ute was dealing with his own demons as well. Something that he needed to deal from. And by the way, we started this postcast, you mentioned something about pain and what did you say? Your podcast, what is it named again?

SPEAKER_04 56:21

Safe place where we're showing about our pain, our past traumas, and our present traumas.

SPEAKER_01 56:27

No, there's something the the title of your page.

SPEAKER_02 56:31

Oh finding beauty in your scars, finding beauty in your skies, and I think it's so relevant as um we are wrapping up and ending this. Remember, I spoke about some this this this disease that has been tormenting my life for years, it's called HS Hydritis Super Piva. Uh, it acts as uh a form of like you know, boils and stuff. Someone can go cool. I'm not gonna touch on it, Kakulu. I bang at opens up scars. You pass out past like 24-7. So I had a procedure in 2017, I nearly died, but thank God uh nothing happened. I've got scars under my armpits. You know, someone might be afraid to even lift their hands and dance, wear short sleeve stuff, and and and and but then I find beauty in those scars because those scars are my reminder of what God has done. So if your your your your the the your your podcast title is so very relevant, hey, and yeah, I'm grateful to God for the scars because they tell a story.

SPEAKER_04 57:44

Even your your internal scars, the one that you have to tell. Yeah, you you talk like I can't get enough about the rejection part because a lot of young women and boys are being rejected by their own families, by their own mothers. It's even making me to be to be emotional because I remember on TikTok, like every time when people will post about their mothers, someone will say, I wish you can in one of your videos. I wish you can talk about rejection, how it damages someone. Yeah, how it damage someone like even when you are in a relationship, you don't even feel like you are doing good enough because you were never appreciated for the little that you did if you were young.

SPEAKER_02 58:32

And I think what's important as well, we need to teach the boys. Um, I think we have a lot of GBV cases going around. Some men were not taught that no is not the end of the world. If you ask a girl out and they say no, it doesn't not tennish your ego, it does nothing to you because some boys you find that multiple times they've asked girls out and they've been rejected. Now they form this hatred uh against women, and then now then they start doing so. I've got so many rejections applying for a job and not getting it does not mean you you are less important, you don't quantify. It's just that at that very moment it's not your turn. So we need to this acceptance thing is very accept it as it as you are rejected, accept and move on. As you are rejected, accept and move on. It's not easy, but it's hard to help one to heal and not develop this hatred, and this hatred that can turn into you doing things that are not logical or legal. Oh, yeah, but so yeah, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_04 59:46

Like, um please continue with the rejection. I think we'll continue now. We need we need we need to, I feel it's in my heart that we need to talk about rejection. I think it's going we need to open more platform for people to hear this say about when it comes to rejection because it's a pro, it's very broad. It's it's it's broad and it's very deep. And I love it so much. I love it so much. In closing, um what are you what are you grateful for this year as we are coming to the end of 2023?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:27

Um, I'm grateful for life, I'm grateful for salvation, I'm grateful for family, I'm grateful for good health. Um I'm grateful for every blessing, intangible and tangible, that God has granted upon my life. I'm grateful for being able to put food on the table. I'm I'm grateful for loved ones. I don't have parents anymore, but I do not fill that void because I've got loved ones at church, I've got mothers and fathers in my community. I'm grateful that even though 2003 was the toughest year, but God was present. Hence we say Ebenezer was very hard up until this far. And I would like to quote the scripture, Psalms 124, 1 to 3, where it says, if it wasn't for the Lord, let that Israel say, if it wasn't for the Lord, we wouldn't have made it to today. That's when it's the 28th of December 2023, and we trust in God for more, and we thank God for everything. So that's that's that's my gratitude.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:42

Thank you so much. Um, I think it's book of Isaiah, it's a go and tell my riches that it shall be well with them. So I say, let it be well with you in everything. Let God um may you continue spreading healing, may you continue spreading love. I know sometimes you'll post and you'll feel like no one it's noticing. I notice, trust me, I notice. I I screenshot, I even screenshot, um my not screen, but I even screenshot. So please continue spreading love, continue like with your loud note, your loud voice, your makeup, your your you will randomly do voice note and you will just scream on your statements. I'm like, what? Like so, definitely you are healing some of us. I get worried when you don't post. I'm like, is she okay? I'm I'm a silent checker. I'm a silent checker, and I I I pray for you. I always ask God just to keep you because you're the one you are one of those important women in my life that when I achieve whatever that I want, I whatever that I want to achieve, I want you to be there and be proud of yourself, I saw her fighting. And that some of my prayers are coming into reality, you know. We are one of those who who make us to push harder. It wasn't it wasn't an easy year for me. I don't know how many times I tried to comment inside, but you guys have kept some of us sane, so may good Lord like continue to keep you for me. Nabo loose quad, please. I love you. I wish all the oh, we are listening, yeah. And may I I looking forward to work with you next year, amen. Looking forward to heal those young boys and young girls next year. Definitely, we are taking over next year. So, my mommy, mama bear, I love you. Thank you so much for your time.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:07

I really appreciate it, girl. Thank you, and we thank the Holy Spirit for fighting for us. We tried and tried, and eventually He made it possible. Thank God I had to I had to call the Nigerians tongues.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:24

Thank you, thank you, my beautiful listeners. Thank you so much for your support throughout the year. Thank you for for your prayers, thank you for sticking with me, even though I don't give you the best content, but you've been there for me, and thank you for your patience. As we are wrapping it up, I wish you nothing but the best of love in 2024. I wish that God can bless you. I wish that whatever scar that you are having, I wish that you can heal from it. And if you want to share it with me, feel free to just inbox me. I'm Helen Zanela on Instagram, I'm Helen Zanela on Facebook, or you can just hit me up on 0676078983. Thank you so much, my lovely listeners. May the good Lord bless you, hide you, and protect you as I'm signing out from finding beauty in your skies and unspro an unspoken truth, family. This is your gorgeous and amazing host, the Helen Zanelectical. God bless. Shalom.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:03

The network tackles social ills, spiritual healing, soul searching, and mental health awareness. To subscribe, click on the show link to follow our podcast and be part of the Unspoken Truth family. Find us on all social media platforms.